I Would Get Too Attached…

“I could never do what you do.”
“You’re a saint.”
“How do you do it?”
“I don’t think I could handle loving a child and then giving them back. It would be too hard.”
“I wish I could foster, but I would just get too attached.”

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve heard these and similar phrases since the time we decided to become foster parents. In fact, I’m so used to them that I anticipate the comments when we meet someone new or tell someone what we do. Most of the time I just smile and respond politely with, “It isn’t easy, but we love being foster parents.” But every now and then I muster up the courage to say what’s really on my mind and heart when I hear these things…

“I really am just a normal person and I don’t have magical super powers that make me more capable. I just leaned in to the tug and said yes even though we had so many reasons to say no. I think that if more people said yes, they would realize just how capable they are too. If it wasn’t for Jesus, my husband, community, and tons of coffee, I don’t know how I would do it either. Kids in foster care need healthy attachments more than I need to protect my heart. You’re worried about getting too attached? Then you would be a GREAT foster parent. Want to know a secret that’s really not-so-secret? I get “too attached” (though I don’t personally believe there really is such a thing as being “too” attached to these children). Yes, it’s HARD but I would rather take the risk of love and loss for the sake of children in foster care than risk their hearts and well-being for the comfort of my own.”

I have more to say, but I think Jason Johnson says it better. He addresses the fear of getting too attached so powerfully and eloquently that I’m sharing a piece of his blog below:

“I’ve found the fear of “getting too attached” is actually a surface symptom of a deeper root fear, which is not about attachment at all. It’s about grief. While we may say we’re afraid of getting too attached – I don’t think we actually are. As Winnie the Pooh once said, “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.‘ We have what it takes to love deeply and fiercely like that, we do it all the time. But I think what we’re really afraid of is not having what it takes to grieve well through those hard goodbyes. It hurts deeply, and it’s hard – and we simply can’t imagine on the front end how we’d ever be able to heal from that on the backend. That’s real and raw, and so is the pain. It’s a wound that never quite closes but in the end somehow feels worth it. So let’s address this fear where the real fear lies – not in our willingness to attach to a child but in our belief that we don’t have what it takes to hurt with purpose and still be okay in the end.”

I don’t somehow find it easy to let kids go. I’m human just like you and I grieve deeply when they leave. It hurts and it’s heavy and there are days that I still question why I stepped into this role, but I am here to tell you that you will be okay in the end. The hurt is worth it. The love is worth it and when you love their families well, it doesn’t always lead to goodbye. It’s just see you later. Our family has grown ten-fold through the families of our children and I can’t imagine it any other way. I can’t and don’t want to imagine the impact if I had said no because I was afraid of getting too attached.

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